


Confession

by noadventureshere



Series: Everyday Blasphemies [4]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: ALL IN THE PAST, Blasphemy, Confessions, F/M, Infant Death, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:41:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21513967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noadventureshere/pseuds/noadventureshere
Summary: "Did I ever tell you, Angel, that I once bore a child?"
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley/past relationship
Series: Everyday Blasphemies [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1443307
Comments: 14
Kudos: 71





	Confession

**Author's Note:**

> CW This fic deals with a past infant death and Crowley's feelings about that. Please be careful with yourselves. 
> 
> Big thanks to gowerstreet for looking this over.

"Did I ever tell you, Angel, that I once bore a child?"

Aziraphale choked on his last swallow of wine. "No my dear, it's not something you've ever said," his voice strained with the effort. "Do you have a family somewhere about?" They're sitting side by side on the old sofa. They do that a lot more now than before.

Reclined there in the dusty bookshop's backroom Crowley should have looked ridiculous. Instead, he looked positively regal. He lay his head on the backrest and stretched his legs out their full length. He was stroking his stomach in a way that reminded Aziraphale of the way Crowley had held Warlock while he was Nanny. His voice was strange and thin, "No family, there was something wrong in me. I didn't really understand how everything worked inside. I just manifested the whole apparatus when I made my Effort. It never occurred to me that I could even get pregnant."

"Were you in love with him?"

Crowley raised his head to shake it. "I just wanted to be loved. I was so lonely Angel, and he was so good. For just a moment, it felt like being redeemed."

"What happened?" Aziraphale's wings itch. He wants details, he wants to pick out every little thing that is making Crowley's voice go wistful and sad, take everything that is hurting him and blast it with Holy Fire. He wants to mantle Crowley inside his wings and hold him there until he feels, knows, how loved he is. He gives himself a little shake and just listens instead.

"He died before I even knew. I visited his wife after he was gone, they were a bit unusual. In another time, they'd have called it Free Love. We sat and talked and when I stood, I fainted dead away. She was a smart woman and figured it out. She was so happy, said that we'd raise our children together," Crowley's voice cracked. Aziraphale filled his wineglass and pretended not to see Crowley's shaking hands. He drew closer on the sofa.

"His mother told me I was a natural nurturer. I even told her the truth but she just smiled and said that my being a demon didn't mean I wasn't going to be a good mother. She was a little crazy, I think, too many supernatural things happening around her. But, I moved in and the three of us made a life. I had to eat and sleep and do everything the human way. I wanted it so badly Angel. I should have known She wouldn't let me keep her."

"Crowley. Please dear," Aziraphale tugged Crowley around on the sofa until he could snuggle him in his arms. He wiped the tears off Crowley's face with his handkerchief and stroked his back until he stopped trembling so badly. "Now tell me the rest."

Crowley turned in Aziraphale's arms and tucked his head under the angel's chin. "Not much else to tell. Mary's son, Judah, was perfect in every way. But my Delora... I bore her, I birthed her, I named her, and I buried her. She was gone without a single breath. The pain of it was almost like Falling again. I'm glad there wasn't any Holy Water then. All I could think was to find an angel and get them to smite me from existence. But, I wouldn't have wanted anyone but you. And you'd need to know why and not then, I couldn't…"

Aziraphale held him while he cried. Something between them was breaking, but it didn't hurt. It felt like the last wall they'd been defending was finally crumbling down.

"I'd never, I couldn't.."

"I know Angel, I know. I wasn't well for some time after, I hid away, ran from job to job. But then I saw you, in Rome. And you made me smile for the first time in years. You fed me oysters and I didn't want to die."

Aziraphale closed his eyes and breathed relief. "You tried to make Caligula a worse person. I was after making Nero a better one. I think the only winner that year was Petronious."

"For a few weeks, I was happy. Thanks to you."

Aziraphale stroked Crowley's back. The silk of his shirt felt like water under his fingers. "I'm very glad you're still here, dear one. I don't know if I'd have had the will to stop the Apocalypse without you."

"I didn't. I would've sat in that bar until Hastur found me or the end happened if you hadn't come back."

"But I did, and we're safe now. Come demon, it's late. I have a perfectly good bed upstairs and I never really use it. We'll go for breakfast in the morning."

Crowley let himself be led upstairs and Aziraphale left him sleeping with his miracled pyjamas under a plushy grey duvet.

Aziraphale retreated to his upstairs study with a cup of cocoa and intended to, but did not, read the night away. "I know you have grand plans, Lord. But did you really need to add that pain to his burden?" Even after all that happened, he still didn’t like to question her, but sometimes, things still hurt.

Aziraphale was distracted from his musing sometime later by a soft rustling. Crowley, soft and sleep warm, slipped quietly into the room and took the book from Aziraphale’s loose fingers. He laid it aside and gently perched himself on the angel’s thighs.

Crowley slipped his fingers into Aziraphale's bowtie and gave the end a tug. It unravelled and the cooler air striking his throat made Aziraphale swallow hard.

"Crowley.. what are you doing?"

"Aziraphale. Principality. Guardian of the Eastern Gate. Do you love me?"

Aziraphale looked into Crowley's eyes, they were natural enemies, eternal and immovable. The answer was easy. "Yes. I do."

"Then I'm going to kiss you. Because I love you and I want to. And if I waited for you to do it I might wait forev-"

Aziraphale cut off his monologue by kissing him first. It was just soft pressure, nothing he hadn't done before. But this was nothing like a gavotte. This was a new dance, with the perfect partner. He felt Crowley grin against his lips. He knew he'd been manipulated into kissing Crowley first. That was the thing about Crowley, he never tempted the angel into anything he didn't want to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the father is probably who you think it is. What can I say, I'm a heathen.


End file.
